Hello there. Let me first wish all my dear readers a very Happy New Year. How is it so far? No celebrity deaths so far eh? Oh wait.. Om Puri. Hmm..okay nevermind. But I for one am really excited for this year. I made of list of resolutions too. I know I know… “Resolutions are for kids!!” I too was in that phase once but now, I don’t see anything wrong in having a few fun resolutions. For those of you who did have resolutions, now that a couple of weeks have passed, I know that this is when breaking the resolutions start. So I have cleverly decided to START my resolutions now. That’s right, I have not been eating healthy, reading books, writing more and trying to be more romantic. Haha. I will however start doing those things from now.
I have to admit, being romantic is a lot more difficult than one can imagine. I once chased a train on a bike in the beautiful Araku valley to meet my (ex)girlfriend (who was on the train.) Kind of romantic but definitely stupid!! But now, now it is an entirely different story. For example, I went to Chennai few months back and as soon as I stepped on the platform, realized that it is Trisha’s city. The air immediately felt beautiful. The gentle breeze that was brushing against my lips could be the very air that had touched Trisha. Wowww…wait wait… before I could process this thought, my brain said,
“The air could very well be Karunanidhi’s sneeze. Or worse, Vijaykanth’s fart.”
“What the fuck brain?”
Now you know why I need to TRY being romantic. It is a lot of work for me. I can only blame myself though. Taking about blame, ladies and gentlemen, I have finally found out whom to blame for Uday Kiran’s suicide. No it is not fate and no it is definitely not Chiranjeevi & family. Then who? See below.
These fellows say that he is the best, that they miss him and they say that he is their favorite. They appear under every Uday Kiran song on YouTube. You assholes, then why the hell did you not go watch his movies? You could’ve saved him. Yes, he made crappy movies no doubt, but if you are so into him, you could’ve watched those movies. I personally have never thought that he was that talented. He got lucky with a few movies which had good music. He entered at a time when there were no good youthful movies and so managed to survive. But you…you think he is the best. No you don’t, you assholes. You don’t spend a rupee if the movies are bad and now you try to show sympathy after he is dead. Shame on you I say. Sigh. Now that I got that off my chest, let me tell you one of my darkest secrets.
I don’t eat Subway sandwiches.
I actually cannot go to Subway. Why you ask? I will tell you why? Firstly, the guy there asks ME what I want in my sandwich and how he should make it. What the fuck? How the hell would I know? I am not a chef. That’s why I came to you man. You are the expert. I don’t know which sauce is tasty or which bread goes with which vegetables. I am not capable of making such decisions. I am 27 years old now and I don’t know what to do in life. I don’t know what I am doing or Why I am doing. You expect me to know what should go into my sandwich? I have never seen or even heard of half the ingredients there. What if it turns out to be garbage? You will only blame me. Is that what I am paying you for?
Also what’s the deal with the bread? There is a neon board outside saying that you bake your own bread. What does that even mean? How is that supposed to influence me? I don’t care if you bake your own bread or not man. It is definitely not on the list of things I would check while deciding to eat somewhere. I don’t go to Burger King and ask them,
“Do you make your own bread? Tell me because that is important for me.”
I never started eating a Zinger Burger and suddenly wondered,
“Hey, do KFC bake their bread or not!?”
I never told a friend,
“Let’s not eat here. They don’t bake their own bread.” no it never happened. Then why?
Am I thinking too much? I know I know.. I should learn to calm down. But it’s just difficult sometimes man. Let me tell you a story and you’ll know why I cannot stop overthinking.
Last year I went to Bangalore to visit “Wonderla” (yes, don’t judge) and was returning to Hyderabad with my friend Sudheer on a train. Soon after the train left the platform, we saw a man outside, his face covered by some tree branches, his pants down till his knees and with his dick out, jerking off as our train went past him. I am not kidding. It was truly one of the most fucked up things I have seen in my life. Sudheer and I looked at each other and were dumbfound. Even though we didn’t say a word, we both thought,
“What the fuck did we just see?”
What if the kids on the train saw? He was clearly pointing (his dick) towards the train. What if women saw? Or some senior citizens? How did he get there? How dare he? Why is he even doing it? I couldn’t stop thinking. I know I should’ve left that incident there itself. But then… that’s what happens, I think too much. Especially about fucked up things like this. I later wondered what could be going through his mind. Why would someone do that? Imagine the risks. What if his girlfriend/ boyfriend/ wife identifies his dick? Hehe.. What if the railway police catch him? What if the train stopped in front of him? Nothing scared the guy and he kept going. Which means, he loved doing it and was willing to take the risk. Gutsy fellow indeed.
Instead of stopping here, I thought again. I tried to understand what is it that he loved. Is it that he is turned on by strangers watching him? Or.. Or just imagine, is he turned on by trains? Woah!! That IS interesting. So naturally, I tried to recollect how the train looked. Bangalore to Hyderabad express. Pretty ordinary looking train if you ask me. If he was getting aroused because of that, what if he saw Garibh-rath (with the sexy green paint) or even better the Rajdhani express. But then, it is a super fast express so I’m not sure if he could keep up with the speed. What if he saw one of those Trans-Siberian train journey documentaries or those super fast bullet trains of Japan. Those Japanese people sure make some weird things (If you know what I mean.) Oh boy!! The ‘train’ of thought wouldn’t stop (see what I did there?)
Now I hope you understand. If I waste so much time thinking about such things, when will I have time in life for productive things. My friends are getting married one after the other and I am here writing about Uday Kiran and Train-Sexuals. (Hehehe) I have to admit, now that I have talked about it, I think I can forget the whole thing and move on.
I am looking forward to many new things this year and I hope it will be as exciting as the last one. I wish you all the best too. Don’t waste your time like me. But please don’t consider reading my blog as a waste of time. In fact, stop by more often and read my work. Also, please let me know what you think so that I can work on my skills and stuff. I wish you all an year filled with love and laughter and less guys jerking off to trains. If by any chance you are that guy, what the hell bro!?
P.S… Now that I think of it, what if we take him to an airport? If he is so turned on by a train, imagine what would happen if he sees an actual Aeroplane. A Boeing..that shape.. that too with wings… Hehe… Aero-Sexual..Sorry sorry..Okay Bye.