You know how people say age is just a number? That makes my number ’28’ which is an interesting age to be, especially in times like these. I know that I should feel older (and mature) but somehow I simply can’t. In fact it feels like I am becoming more and more silly with each passing year. Nevertheless, I know that time is passing by.
Children I’ve known as toddlers in my school are sending me Facebook requests. That super cute junior from college is now a mother of two kids. I cannot show you her photos but very funny I say. Still, you know how I really found out that I am getting older? My favorite teen pornstar started to feature in the milf category, my favorite milf pornstar started to feature in the mature category which means that my favorite mature pornstar is most probably dead by now. RIP 😦
As we all know my dear reader, an important part of growing up is getting married and it goes without saying how stressful a wedding can be. I have a different kind of problem with weddings though. Since I have decided not to get married, I don’t stress myself out and since I have an unmarried elder brother, I don’t have family pressure as well. Since I don’t have any responsibilities, I don’t have to help plan any weddings. Then what problem do I have with weddings, you ask? I get invited to weddings.
“Is that a big problem?! stupid fellow!!” Is what you might be thinking. Please keep reading. You might understand.
Let me first begin with the invitations. There was a time when I used to think that Facebook invites were real invites. After that I used to have a doubt whether I was invited or not. It took me time to realize that if there is a doubt, it is obvious that I am not invited. Here are some types of invitations that I usually get.
— One card for the entire department invitation: As soon as we get one, I start to think how much money they’re going to collect for the gift and whether or not I could justify the cost in the dinner at the wedding.
— No card but a phone call invitation: Usually from some old friend. Which is kind of sweet. Even though I feel super shy talking such calls, I enjoy these.
— WhatsApp group e-invitation: Soon after the obligatory congrats messages from all the members, including those who never ever send even a single message ever, people who are planning to attend the wedding form another group to discuss the gifts and rates. I was once kicked out of such group with out any good reason. I still don’t know how distributing blankets (with the couples names embroidered) to slum kids is such a bad idea for a wedding gift. Now you see my dear reader? If the invitation stage itself is this complicated, imagine what my level of stress will be after that.
Let me systematically explain this with the help of Elisabeth Kübler Ross and her five stages of grief concept. Here are the different stages.
- Denial: The initial reaction is mostly denial. I once got an invite in Facebook for a wedding and my first thought is, How can she marry? She liked my Facebook status that one time and wrote ‘lol’ as a comment. Clearly that meant something. I could not believe that she was getting married. Another time, I got a call from a senior whom I had a severe crush on. I was giggling like anything while I talked to her. But she invited me to her wedding. The crazy thing is that there was never going to be anything between us. I did not even remember her or that I had a crush on her until she called. But at that moment, no matter what, the reaction will always be denial. That’s just how it is.
- Bitching: This is not a stage in Elizabeth’s theory but I had to add it as it is an important phase. Once the wedding announcement is made and sometimes a trailer is released (Trailer? For a wedding? What the fuck?!) we usually catch up with old buddies and bitch left and right about that couple. Is it true that she is getting married? What happened to that guy she was with? What must be the dowry? Isn’t he a little too young? What about that pregnancy scare that time? What about that pregnancy scare that other time? Actually so many times. Why is he marrying now? How much does he earn? Doesn’t she look much older than him? You think they had sex? I am sure he is a virgin. You think their parents know about the affairs? Love marriage? Aha. Means they had pre-marital sex. Hehe. You get my idea right?
- Anger: Since I am not someone who is prone to anger that much, this stage is very short. Mostly involving, why the hell should I give that much money for the gift? or Mom, what does his wedding have to do with me being fat? Ok ok I will stop drinking Pepsi and start working out. Most importantly, Hindu wedding means vegetarian food yaar!! Moving on…
- Fear: This is the most important of all the stages. What if my ex girl friend is at the wedding? What clothes should I wear? and with my overall ugliness and utter lack of any sense of style, how will I present myself at the wedding? What if they take a selfie/groupie and I end up at the corner with a weird expression from a bad angle? How long will I have to suck my belly in while they take those photos. They’re going to tag me on Facebook from which I cannot untag because that would be disrespectful. What if they hire a professional camera guy with those fancy HD pics. Those things are the worst nightmares for ugly people like me. What if I only know the bride. How do I greet the groom? What if he gets a phone call just when I am about to shake his hand? What if this awkward moment is captured on video and they will later look at my awkwardness and laugh! The worst of all, seeing how everyone is getting married and finding love (and in a few rare cases both!) and thinking what am I doing with my life?
- Bargaining: I am, or atleast I think I am a reasonable fellow. The next logical step for me would be to evaluate the pros and cons. What is the menu at the wedding? Will there be cute girls? How much will I be spending on the gift and how much I will get in return (general entertainment and food) Will I get to skip work? How far is it from my house? That uncle is a good friend of my dad.
- Acceptance: Last stage this. Marriage is undoubtedly (or doubtedly) a holy union of not just two people, but of two souls and two families. There will be plenty love and joy along with delicious food. Most of all, when someone actually took time and invited me to be a part of perhaps the most memorable day of their lives, it is undoubtedly super assholery on my part of I act like this. Well it is true that I am an asshole but they need not know that right? If not today, may be one day I might understand the significance of marriage. Haha or may be not. But I admit to myself that people don’t care about how I look on normal days only and it is ridiculous of me to assume that my looks or my clothes or what I do would matter at someone else’s wedding. If looks did matter that much, why would Hrithik’s wife leave him? Wait, if a girl can leave someone with those looks, what chance do I have?! LOL. Forget it. Anyway the point is, even if I don’t go to the wedding, I will definitely wish them all the love and peace in the world from the bottom of my heart.
That is all for today. There are many things that I want to add but may be some other day. For those you who are getting married, I understand if you don’t invite me and you please understand if I don’t show up at your wedding. Cheers.
Interesting fact: I know a girl who had several lovers (often simultaneously) and had atleast one abortion. She invited me to her wedding which was an arranged marriage with a new guy. I did not go for many reasons. I however did see their photos on Facebook and laughed for at least 20 to 25 minutes. She might’ve been exercising her individual rights it would’ve been nice if the guy knew too. LOL. Marriage.